"I’m not good at writing. This is not going to be a storyline beautifully written. It will be my memories. My feelings in moments with you. Nothing much. But I hope when you read it it will make you play a movie in your head. Like it runs in my head.
Even though you might not believe it I still remember the very first time that you turned around in the car to say hi. That was the very first time that I met you. Though I have to say that it was unexpected to see another person in that car. We spent the day in Penang and it made me truly happy. Not that I fell in love with you on that day. Just had a feeling you were a nice young lady. But I have to admit that I wanted to impress you. One way to show my manners was to always walk on the outside of the road. I didn’t do that to impress you at first but I could see that it did impress you so I continued to do it.
The day passed by in a blur and after I got back to my place I was just happy to have found locals and made friends. When I saw u uploading the pictures on your Facebook and spelling my name as Stefen. I had to smile. To be honest I didn’t understand why u would upload all your pictures on Facebook in the beginning. Now I do. Because I can look through them whenever needed. And the dates provide a kind of diary as well. Thank you for that. You have always been wiser than me.
The next distinct moment that I remember with you was when I messaged you from that hut at Langkawi. I asked you why you are still awake. It was 4 am in the morning. And I saw you still being online so I decided to message you. That is kind of how our story started. You told me chocolate and alcohol are cheap and I should bring you kisses. Didn’t know kisses at all. But bought them. And gave them to you the day I went to USM with my sister. You gave me bananas. I remember that.
After that, I started to like the coffee hour. Because whenever that day arrived and I got to walk the stairs up to the international office I knew you were there. And slowly every time I saw you this feeling of butterflies in my stomach evolved. This feeling of being excited to see another person just because that person is there. The excitement when you are in that same room with her and you just try to look at her without her noticing. I don’t know how it felt for you but that’s how it felt for me.
The conversations we had on Facebook messenger. That timeline is like a timeline of our story. It's all still there. Me messaging you and trying to be funny. You responding. Two people starting a conversation that became a highlight of my daily routine. Damn, I didn’t plan this. I didn’t plan on meeting someone that would touch my soul. That would be interested in me. That would raise feelings of needing to be close to her just because being in the same room with her gave me peace. And excitement and happiness all at the same time.
I remember you taking me out for dinner after Coffee hour. The first picture I snapped from you. It is attached. Walking from university to the food stalls. Buying Berita Kampus from you even though I could not read a single article. Just because I would be able to meet you in person. To have this feeling of seeing you and being physically close to you.
Meeting you in the museum. Going through that cutlery display. That you reported on. Even though I had no idea about it. Watching you walking through the museum and going through the artefacts. Being physically close to you. God, what are you doing to me? What is happening? This feeling of liking someone like that. Consuming me and eating me up. Wanting to spend every single minute with you and at the same time being confused and happy while constantly checking your Facebook for any other guys that might be some kind of competition. That day at the museum was the first time I really felt a connection between you and me. Like I thought to myself wow I never told this kind of stuff to any other girl. Sharing my thoughts and feelings. All so private. All so intimate. Never shared that stuff with a girl before. But after that day I felt the connection.
Next scene. Inviting you to the play. You like art. I didn’t understand a single word of the play. I wanted to support a friend. But more I wanted to see you. Just to be in the same room as you. You being physically close. Nothing else but you. Watching Godzilla with you. Asking you to follow so you would just be there. That was all that counted at that moment. You being there.
Farlim. The night we drove to Farlim night market. Really enjoyed myself. Eating through everything. With Justice in the car. When he turned around on campus and bumped his car. Arriving at Farlim. Going through the market. You being so cute and nervous. Telling me you can eat this and that. You wanna try here? You wanna try this? Me telling you to relax. Not being able to touch you but wanting to touch you so badly. You were so cute. So tiny and cute. Not knowing how close we actually were to your home. To your mum and your grandparents. I m smiling whenever I think about it now.
The bus stop. Getting satay for you. Walking to Aman. Suddenly calling you and sitting at the bus stop. You brought me something to drink. God, we were so cute. That was for me the reason when I realized that this is the girl that stole my heart. Right when we sat there. Right after I walked back and already missed you the moment you went back to the hostel. That magic moment when we listened to that song. Like ships in the night. Sitting there and wanting to be close to you. Actually had this silly idea recently of asking you to marry you right there. With that song playing in the background. That would be the spot where I want to ask you.
Going to Queensbay with you on my birthday. Walking to berlin beer house wanting to hold your hand so badly. Like I said. Just a fragment in our timeline. A memory of mine. I remember walking back to Queensbay from the beerhouse wanting to hold your hand so badly. So so badly. The day we spent in Penang together. I remember cycling through town with you. We took a picture together. You took that picture that I still have as Facebook profile pic. Was happy to spent time with you. Just spent time with you as much as I can.
I believe that you need to live through experiences in life to say that you have lived. You gave me so many of those moments. So many moments that are shooting through my head. I could not get enough of being close to you anymore. I had to have you around all the time. As long as you were around me and you were here I felt alive. I felt good. It felt right. Was I selfish? Yes I was. So selfish. But I could not help myself.
I knew I was leaving. But I wanted to be with you. You gave me a feeling I never had before. This feeling of being someone that mattered to someone else. You liked me too. Me of all people. I didn’t understand it but I wanted more. I made you spend time with me even though it was always meant to end. I didn’t want to hurt you but I was going to. Because I was leaving. Time was short. It was precious. It was a blur. It was unreal and real and alive and scary and all at the same time.
I didn’t come to Malaysia to meet a girl. I came because as a fifteen-year-old boy I fell in love with the country and its people and I could not forget about it. I still cannot forget about it. My eyes become watery every time I watch a youtube video listening to someone talking Malaysian English. I remember the smell of curry on my fingers. The warm air while sitting in a mamak eating nasi kandar. The taste of teh tarik. My life has been in two worlds and my heart has not settled anywhere. I don’t feel at home when I m back in Germany. I feel at home when I m in Malaysia.
Its always you: When I tell you that I mean that you are the girl that gives me butterflies. That makes me feel insecure and helpless every time I stand before you because you mean so much to me. That first moment when I see you after a long time at the airport that always sweeps me off my feet. That always completely knocks me out because you are so beautiful to me. Inside and out. So precious. So valuable. I just am stupid because I do not show you anymore. I just write. And Say. But don’t do.
Once I wrote this sentence: Every ending is a new beginning. I wrote it because every ending with you I want it to be a new beginning so that this thing between us never ends. So that I never need to stop loving you. Whatever I do or did was stupid because I forgot that. I’m helpless with you. Clueless. But I Love you. And you will always be that one girl for me.
It's always you."
Thank you March 15th.
THE END.
No comments:
Post a Comment